my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
