If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
