Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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