I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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