can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
