Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
