Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
