My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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