turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
sex in a hospital.. check
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
