You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
