Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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