apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
