That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
