Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
In America we eat man semen.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
