She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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