nut hugger
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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