i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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