too bad you live with your parents still
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
