The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
