I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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