It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
