dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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