My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Success! We fucked roommates!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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