i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He better not be in your backpack
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
