dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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