She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
