just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
