I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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