I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize