I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
