I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
