i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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