Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Randomize