That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize