Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We're too hungover to prance.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
