OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
