My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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