the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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