$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
