I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
