I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
