Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize