If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
