alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
