Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
