It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
