she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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