I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
