I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
