Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
