I CAN MOONWALK!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
