Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
