So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
