I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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