I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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