haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
