dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
