Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
