I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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