just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Can I color on your dick again?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
