You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
