i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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