her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
