My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
